Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Internal Conflict

I am having an internal conflict of sorts...  I don't often write about religion/faith because it is a personal thing.  This post isn't ABOUT religion but it does have to do with something I am feeling right now about my faith.  I grew up in a home where faith was important.  Our family was very involved in our Church, we were not people who went out and pushed our religion on anyone, we went to Church, talked about various Bible stories at home, on the boat, in the car, you get the idea.  I did go to Church when I was in college (sometimes the early service on Sunday morning sometimes the late one because Saturday night was a little tough).  When I got my first job and lived about 30 minutes away from the Church my parents and sister family went to I found a Church that I liked that was close to my apartment.  Sometimes I would go to my parents and sisters Church for special occasions or if I was staying with my sister for the weekend (yeah, 30 minutes and sometimes I would stay at her house on the weekend, we joke that I was the weekend Nanny (but it made me so close to her kids and well she and I are like that)).  I ended up joining their Church when hubs and I got engaged and bought our first place.  Their Church wasn't the closest, but I was involved in Sunday school and I guess felt like I had some "place" there.  Hubs and I were married there, hubs never joined that Church, he said he didn't feel a connection, there were things that I was feeling and after Bear was born hubs and I started to look for a Church together.  We visited various Church's and found a Church that we both liked.  Hubs felt a very strong connection with the people there.  I found a lot of support and a congregation that I felt cared about my family.  We joined that Church, Bear was Baptised there and the overwhelming support we felt through Bear's surgery was amazing.  We became more involved in the Church and it was great!  Then the Pastor left... 
Jump ahead until now, about 2.5 years later and we have a wonderful Pastor and our Church is still in the process of trying to build a building (we don't have a Church building yet).  While I believe that you can talk to God anytime, anywhere, and the building is not the most important thing, I have begun to notice that when we do visit other Church's (friends Baptism's, etc.) Bear acts completely different, I wonder, is it the more formal setting that he realizes he is somewhere special, how do you explain to a 3 year old that he is in a Church when it doesn't look like one.  I also am feeling a little disconnected.  I don't know what it is.  My faith or connection to God is not the problem, I am feeling disconnected from the people.  I have been thinking a lot about this during this past week especially because my sister and I went to visit our old Pastor at his new Church about 30 minutes away from where we live (which is the same Church I first went to when I moved here).  Sitting there listening to him, it felt different.  My husband feels like I should talk to the Pastor of our Church and tell him how I am feeling, but I just don't feel comfortable, and I don't like that, I want to feel comfortable talking about any feelings I am having.  Am I over analyzing things?  Is the fact that we don't have certain programs set up in our Church for my children making me want something else. Then if we did change Church's what kind of example am I setting for my children?  They have the goal of setting up different programs, but we are a small Church that is trying to establish itself.  If everyone jumped ship then there would be nothing, nothing new would ever become something great if people just gave in.  I just want my children to have the same opportunities I had growing up in my Church.   


  1. My husband and I have changed churches before b/c we weren't feeling a connection. And our first priority was finding one that had programs for our kids b/c we want them to want to go to church. I hope that you can find a church that feels like home or that you can make peace with where you are.

  2. Could you start those programs you feel are missing at your church? That's what i did when I felt like they were missing at one of the church's I attended. By doing that I also felt more connected because I had no choice but to be involved then.

  3. I think when a church home is right, you know it. And when it's not, you know it too. Do what feels right to YOU and stick to your gut!


  4. It's really hard to explain, isn't it. I'm one who needs a traditional service in a traditional setting...and no, my faith isn't limited to that, but in terms of formal worship, that's where I connect. My friends have a fabulous church filled with wonderful people that I love and connect with on a personal level, but their contemporary service in a store front does not meet my needs and trying to explain that makes me feel so shallow... but I get what you are saying.