Pour Your Heart Out: Angels

I have three angels that are up in heaven, at least that is what I believe.  Some may think otherwise, but believing this has made it easier for me to cope.  I have been pregnant 5 times and I have 2 kids.  I lost three pregnancies.  I am not sure what triggered this thought in my head (about our past) maybe because I was thinking last night about past holiday's and I remember so clearly two Christmas's ago when we were at my in-laws and I was on the phone with my sister telling her I thought I was pregnant but it was too early to take a test.  Then I found out a few days later I was and that was my little P-nut.
Anyhow, it is one of those things that you just don't know how many people you know have gone through a miscarriage until you have one.  It was hard on my the first time.  My husband and I had just gotten married, heck we were on our honeymoon, my cycles were all wacky, sitting one night at home I realized that I was over two weeks late!  I took a test and I was crying when I told hubs.  We were not ready, it was not what we planned, but it was a baby and we always knew we wanted a family.  We were scared $hitle$$.  I went to my first appointment and when hubs and I saw that little flicker those fears went away.  A couple of weeks later I was spotting, the Dr. told me to stay off my feet and not to do the "deed".  The bleeding got worse and when I went in to the Dr. that little flicker was gone, there was our baby, on the screen with no heart beat.  I had a D&C the next day, I was numb, I didn't know what to feel.  I was lost.  I was almost 12 weeks along and at the day the Dr. told me the baby was gone the baby measured 9 weeks.  I couldn't believe that.  Nothing seemed right.  I went to work the next day and we carried on with life.  I had a hard time dealing with the fact that their was a life growing inside me and it was gone and I didn't know where that little soul would end up.  A friend (semi relative) told me "it is an angel" and to me, it seemed right.  Hubs and decided we would wait a while before trying again.  Yeah, that lasted about 2 months.  We were pregnant again that month (3 months after the miscarriage).  We were so hopeful, but cautious.  I went for my first appointment, that night I started to bleed.  I already knew what was happening.  I called the after hours number and talked to the Dr., she told me to take it easy and come in on Monday (it was a Friday night).  I passed the sac on Sunday and never called on Monday, my Dr. called me and told to me come in immediately, it was her lunch hour...   My third pregnancy gave me Bear.  When we were ready to try for a second child, I got pregnant but lost the baby so early on that if I was not so "in tune" with my body I would have just thought I had a late and HEAVY period.  The third MC landed my with a fertility specialist.  The Dr. and myself as well, wanted to get to the bottom of all this.  Many appointments and tests went on, I found out that my problem was MTHFR and Factor IV Leiden.  (two blood clotting issues)  Hubs and I got pregnant that Dec. and that was my P-nut.  Hubs and I have gone threw a lot together and a big loss early on in our marriage.  We are best friends and believe that we have three little angels that watch over our family.